wants

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." - Hellen Keller.

Need more epiphanies. Want more enthusiasm. Pray for inspiration. Perhaps if I start writing my morning pages again, epiphanies and action will follow suit, hand in hand. Write write write every morning, write my own complaints down about me until my red typo journal is filled with multicoloured ink. And something happens. Because you can't sit there every morning telling yourself how you'd rather your life was different, without eventually taking steps to make it different.

But let me tell you why I want more epiphanies and action. The older I get the shorter I can stay at Mum & Dad's before the feelings of stagnancy and ennui start to resurface. Trapped in a paradise here. Caged in a small piece of heaven. I know I'm not captive here, yet part of me wants to escape. Is it foolish I want to run away, and make a few more mistakes? I want to cry a bit more. Shout a bit more. Laugh too much. Love too much. I want blood and tears. Sun in my eyes. Sand in my hair. Stretch and strain and doubt-inspired action.

The future seems such a terrifyingly huge place. I don't know where I want to go, who I want to go with, who I want to become. I don't know yet. I want to take some risks. Exploration. Trepidation. Anticipation. But today we are crouching and waiting. Tightly crammed into this perfect world where incubation feels like suffocation. Want to crack through the eggshell of this sanctuary and find the wide open weathered sky to breathe in again.

You too, huh? You too?

sundays

Imagine sundays at our place - guys with ties and girls with heels that match, a lunch table set for twelve, pork AND turkey and a myriad of vegies, cheesecake and fresh fruit for dessert. I'm wearing two new watches on the one wrist and I'm sitting back with grand company to read comics, listen to some phenomenal piano playing and play a game of Billionaire and a game of Bohanza while tyring not to fall asleep. I've eaten so much that I feel like I won't need to eat for a week. More friends and family arrive, more food is eaten, more piano is played. That's how sundays are at our place.

teacups

Saturdays - sisters playing world of warcraft, sisters playing charades and listening to music and eating salads.

Sundays - open bibles for the morning, roast turkey with gravy for midday, a school friend's engagement party for the afternoon, hot chocolate in fancy teacups for the evening.

homemade

Braids in hair, bible in hand, long floral skirts. Thankfulness and honest prayers. And after church we have lunch - bright green table cloths, tall glasses of water and a 90 year old lady sitting with you at the dining table, telling the best jokes. Large slices of homemade blackberry cheesecake which is eaten with spoons and small forks.
Afternoon tea with a friend and her one-year-old. Small hands, wobbly toddler legs, huge giggles, plenty of cuddles and smiles. We go for an afternoon walk, pushing the stroller, seeing strangers walking friendly dogs along the new service road. Later we play take two with scrabble tiles, we play the piano, we scatter duplo toys across the lounge room floor.
This evening I've been writing 3000 nanowrimo words in 3 hours, eating cheese & bacon shapes biscuits, finishing a jigsaw puzzle with Mother, helping Sis with her biology prac homework, yawning, and about to go to bed.
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amen

Sundays like 211110, I love waking up at 6.00am, cleaning my teeth before breakfast and helping to set out 200 or so plates and bowls and breakfast condiments along long white tables. Sundays I like plenty of people singing grace for each meal, I like high heels, spotty notebooks and courageous prayer. I like intense quietness and plenty of amen. I like lunch meat with plum sauce, afternoon naps, christmas party invitations and people of all ages. I like Sundays when you get hungry but don't go hungry. When you get the feeling you're so happy you're about to cry and you get that feeling several times in one day. When you feel like the best is only getting better.

Then evening comes and you say a million and one goodbyes to people who are leaving, and you say goodbye to some people you hadn't met yet, and you say goodbye to people you reckon are just like you, people who would be your best friends for sure if it weren't for the confines of time and distance. I'm beginning to realise how this world is truly abundant in best friends. Sundays I like waking up happy, grinning, singing, giggling, and falling asleep happy, too, because these goodbyes are not really goodbyes. Aint no mountain high enough.

Just after midday I whispered in mother's ear with a smile - "so how happy is your birthday today?" She looked a little shocked and grinned at me because she'd been having such an intensely favourite day that she forget all about her birthday. :)

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bible quote: joy

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
John 15:11